Feng Jin’s life has never been a straight track. Her road is winding, like a track without a beginning or an end, carrying unsolvable puzzles. Standing on the railway, she is like a person who is destined to take this road, as if she is inevitably heading to the end under the arrangement of God. She knows that she will never have a clear goal, a grand dream, or even live for some ideals like those heroes. Her way of life is casual, even boring, just constantly wandering in this wasteland abandoned by fate until she is exhausted to death.
“Fear crushes flesh and blood” – this sentence is right. For her, fear has never been involuntarily. They say that fear kills courage and kills faith. But for Feng Jin, fear is not an enemy, it has long become a part of her life, like breathing. She is not afraid of it, and she can’t avoid it. It is this fear day after day that makes her begin to learn to accept all her imperfections. Her heart, like that unstoppable railroad track, constantly sharpens itself, and even if it is worn out, it cannot escape.
Feng Jin knew from a young age that she was never the kind of person who could be pampered. She did not have too many talents, nor did she have any amazing talents. She just walked calmly on her own track, occasionally looking at the scenery, occasionally silent, and occasionally sighing. She was not a person favored by fate. She was like a seed thrown into the wilderness, waiting alone for the unknown wind. She had no gorgeous coats or gorgeous words. What she pursued was just to live simply and live more steadily.
She rarely talked to herself in her heart, very little. Because she knew that all she could do was to go through this journey one after another. She did not complain too much, nor did she think about changing her fate. She accepted everything that fate gave her like a rock. She did not desire anything noble, or even desire to make herself better. She just wanted to live and live less tired.
“Courage tears the chest” – Feng Jin thought about this sentence for a long time. For most people, courage can only be found at critical moments, but she thinks that courage is just the small courage that people accumulate in ordinary days. Real courage is to stick to your own choices at every moment and not be shaken by any external voices. Her courage is not great, nor is it glamorous, but at certain moments, it is enough to keep her going.
She has never thought about changing her life trajectory, or even what change and progress are. She is like a ship that gradually loses its direction, drifting in the vast ocean, until it encounters a reef and sinks. She knows that not everyone can find their own light, and she is just an unknown existence.
“Glory baptizes the body”, this sentence is too lofty and not suitable for her. Feng Jin has never longed for glory, and true glory is no longer her goal. She just wants to find a trace of peace in life, even if it is just a moment of clarity. Glory is just a tiring illusion, an existence that tries its best to be seen by others. She didn’t want to waste her energy on those flashy things and return empty-handed. She no longer cared about the glory that people yearned for. She just hoped to close her eyes peacefully at the end of her life.
“The seeds of thought” and “the sprouts of manas” are just the insignificant symbols in Feng Jin’s life. In this wasteland, all life is buried in the soil like seeds, waiting for them to break out of the soil. Perhaps her life is that seed, never seeing the light of day, never getting a ray of sunshine. However, Feng Jin has never suffered from this fate. She knows that life will not change because of her complaints. The trajectory of life is not something she can control, and the so-called fate is just some kind of invisible arrangement.
“Footprints of fate” – is it really fate behind all this? Feng Jin doesn’t know, she has never delved into this issue. Her life has long been swallowed up by the trivialities and details of reality, and the so-called fate is just an ungraspable mystery to her. She is unwilling to explore this issue because she knows that the answer is not important. Everyone’s life is different, and not everyone can find an answer that can make them feel at ease. Her relationship with the world has always been subtle. She neither loves nor hates; neither asks nor refuses. She is like a passer-by standing on the railroad track, passing by in a hurry, heading towards an inevitable ending.
There are not many exciting moments in Feng Jin’s life. She has never experienced a rapid heartbeat, nor has she ever been crazy about a goal. Her days are as calm as dead water, with ripples from time to time, but never waves. She is like a stone placed in a corner, letting the years grind her down and letting time forget her. Her only insistence is to live and live more freely. As for the future, what’s the point? She has never imagined what kind of person she can become, nor has she ever imagined where she will go. She just lives in this wasteland, living one day at a time.
Feng Jin’s life seems simple, but it is so complicated that it is difficult to understand. She does not have too many words, nor does she have outstanding achievements. She is just walking on this seemingly ordinary track, heading towards the unsolvable future. She is not a hero, nor a legendary figure. She is just an ordinary woman, living in an ordinary world, doing ordinary things, and enduring ordinary suffering.
But perhaps, this is the meaning of her existence.